I’m thinking of getting an intervention for my Cozumel roadrage. I understand that some of you may live in large cities with bumper-to-bumper traffic that lasts for hours. Frankly, you couldn’t pay me to live there, I’m happy with my country mouse island deal. What I’m referring to are my frequent outbursts while in a car that make me sound as if I’m doing an Adam Sandler impersonation.
Take today for example, I’m driving and paying attention (key words here, people) when out of no where this heavy-set woman on an overburdened scooter, who does not have the right of way, nor is she paying attention, zips out in front of me, only to drive in the middle of the road. She actually had the audacity to pull the ostrich-thing (if I’m not looking at you, you can’t see me deal).
“Nice driving there, Porky McBackfat!” I holler.
I’m a reasonably intelligent person. My parents paid for me to attend a four year institution of higher learning, however, in this particular issue, I am simply a moron. First of all, Porky McBackfat, probably has no idea what I’m saying, in English, inside the car. Secondly, I’m alone.
See, I live in a town that only recently removed the “whoever gets here first has the right of way” stop signs at the end of my “hill,” however that’s still how the traffic flows, in spite of repeated accidents.
I live somewhere where the turn signal is a completely optional courtesy. (in fact, the fab-man’s VW thing employs a toggle switch to activate the turn signal)
Today I was in the “right hand turn on red lane” when Sleepy the dwarf, blocked the lane with his giant SUV, while texting on his cell phone.
I’m not one of those people who thinks they can single-handedly change the driving habits of an entire island. I understand that it is, and always has been, my issue.
What bothers me is that recently things have escalated to the point where I now have the compulsion to say the same snarky things while a passenger. Which, if you can image, is not exactly in the Dale Carnegie handbook.
So I’m thinking, muzzle, duct tape or blindfold. Any ideas?